Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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