i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
