No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
