Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
