I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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