you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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