Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
