a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
