my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
