I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
