I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
