i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
