Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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