We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
