I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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