the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
