i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
