i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
