I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I party with great urgency now.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
