I think I can smell my own vagina right now
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
