An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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