I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
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