I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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