I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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