Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
