Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
