My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
