I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Randomize
