I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
