i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
