after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
