I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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