Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
