Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
