did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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