I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
