If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
