well I can't set my house on fire every night
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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