Umm I'm too high to move.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
