I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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