So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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