i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
