I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
