omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
