My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
