My first STD was from a foam party
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
