so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
