So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
