They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Holy shit dude........stairs
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
