once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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