Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
